What Would Have Really Happened
by kevinhongpro
Summary: What Would Have Really Happened: A rant on overused crap in Naruto fanfic and what really would have happened in the anime/manga. For those who appreciate this utter BS, stay away.
1. Naruhina

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto. Kishimoto does.

**CHAPTER 1 – THE NARUHINA**

Out of all pairings, this is one of the worst in the entire Naruto fandom and is almost as unlikely to occur as the Naruto/Ino pairing. Considering the fact that Naruto thinks that she is weird and is completely oblivious to her massive crush on him and the fact that she stalks him 24/7 and cannot speak to him without fainting, this is one that will never happen.

**What Authors Write:**

It was a beautiful day in Konoha. The birds were chirping, the village was safe, everyone was happy, and Hinata was stalking Naruto. Again. Hinata was (insert age, cup size, physical features, description as voluptuous teen, etc.) and had a huge crush on Naruto. She was currently hiding behind a bush as Naruto was practicing his taijutsu without a shirt on in the Forest of Death. Why the hell was Naruto practicing without a shirt anyways? Why was Naruto practicing Taijutsu in the Forest of Death when there were other, more accessible training grounds? She didn't care. All she cared about was her Naruto-kun. Naruto was (insert age, physical features, etc.) and had sweat gleaming all over his body. She fainted. When she finally woke up, Naruto was standing over her with his hand over her forehead.

"Hinata, are you okay? I think you have a fever. Your forehead is pretty warm."

"N-n-naruto-kun…" She turned beet red, as she realized that Naruto had his hand on her forehead. Not only that, but he said it was _warm!_ What a romantic moment! She almost fainted again.

"Hinata-chan?"

_He called me Hinata-chan! He loves me, obviously. Now, I will confess my eternal love!_

"N-n-naruto-kun, I-I"

"What is it Hinata-chan?" Naruto smiled encouragingly, his entrancing sky-blue eyes lighting up like a cesspool of passionate romantic fire as he moved closer to her and gazed into the pale lavender eyes of Hinata's Byukugan.

"I-I have r-r-really a-a-admired y-y-you since the a-a-academy." Taking a deep breath, she whispered, "I-I-I love y-y-y-ou Naruto-kun."

"Really?" Naruto asked haltingly, afraid that this would be a huge joke.

Hinata nodded, to shaky to stammer out a yes.

Naruto being the sexy beast that he is, swept her up into his arms and said to her, "Oh, Hinata-chan, even though I have only spoken to you for a combined twenty minutes and I was been ostracized by the village, had no childhood friends and was beaten up every October 10th while you just watched, I realize that you were there for me all along. I also don't think it's creepy that your hobby is stalking me to raise your self-esteem. Also, I don't like Sakura anymore even though I have loved her since I was six. I love you Hinata-chan!"

Hinata couldn't help it. She fainted.

When she woke up, Naruto proceeded to kiss her deeply and ravage her without protection, even though she was not in a relationship with him and had only spoken with him once before. (insert poorly written lemon scene here that proves that the author is still a virgin).

They continue to suck each other's tonsils out.

_5 hours later (because of Naruto's godly stamina due to the Kyuubi) _

"Naruto, you were so good!" It was so good that Hinata not only lost her stutter that she had since the age of four, she also felt no pain from being fornicated with for five hours non-stop.

"Let's go get some ramen, dattebayo!" Naruto all but screamed out excitedly, _obviously_ proving his mental maturity and intelligence needed to engage in sexual activity.

They walked off, hand in hand, into the sunset to get some ramen.

And well, the fact that Naruto, a no name orphan that no one likes, just impregnated the (insert age here lower than 13, because the author has no idea that twelve year olds don't have sex) clan heiress of the most powerful clan of Konoha, true love always conquers, right?

_The End. _

**What Would Have Happened:**

It was a beautiful day in Konoha. The birds were chirping, the village was safe, everyone was happy, and Hinata was stalking Naruto to raise her pathetic self-esteem. As usual. She was currently hiding behind a bush as Naruto was practicing his taijutsu without a shirt on in the Forest of Death. She fainted. When she woke up, she couldn't move and was hanging from a sticky sack of white material. She tried calling out, but soon realized that her entire body was paralyzed. Slowly, her vision began to darken as the poison began to take effect. Her last coherent thoughts were: "_Naruto-kun". _

Yes, the infamous spiders of Training Ground 44 would eat well tonight.


	2. Idiotic Training Methods

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto. Notice how I am writing on **_FAN_** . Thank you. Have a pleasant day – reviews are heaven!

**CHAPTER 2 – IDIOTIC TRAINING METHODS**

This chapter is dedicated to those that think that good writing consists of idiotic training techniques even more stupid than throwing a twelve year old off a cliff and hoping for the best. These training methods tend to make Gai look like a slacker and turn Naruto into a super-uber invincible juggernaut that can kill all existing shinobi with a glare. Some, such as the shadow clone technique method are viable, but are not going to make Naruto invincible. Others, such as having Naruto feel 100Gs of force while wearing 2 ton weights are plain stupid.

**What Authors Write: **

One day, Naruto was training really hard while Jiraiya was peeping at the hot springs. He was trying to create a blade out of wind chakra in vain. But he knew he could do it…even if he was currently failing miserably. On a side note, Hinata was still stalking him, even though he was hundreds of miles away from Konoha.

"Ero-Sennin, teach me something!" he screeched.

"OK Naruto, I'll teach you the secret to the Kage Bunshin technique alright" Jiraiya, said spreading his arms out in a grandiose way. "You keep all your memories from your dispelled shadow clones!"

"Wow Ero-Sennin! You are so cool, even though you abandoned me at birth to live a miserable existence in Konoha, instead writing porn and peeping on naked women! You even pushed me off a cliff! Ero-Sennin, you are the best!"

Naruto proceeded to make (insert number greater than 10,000) shadow clones, delegating them tasks to do to become the most powerful Shinobi in the world.

_Terrible Author Non-Secret Writing Technique: 3 Days of Timeskip! _

Naruto dispelled all the clones. All the memories of training rushed back into his head, and with his improved intelligence, he realized that he was now the most powerful shinobi in the world. Not only had he learned Hirashin, he had also fully mastered all the elements and made Kakashi's jutsu knowledge look like a academy student, and had completely fused with the Kyuubi, who was now his best friend. In addition, he was faster than a shunshin and Rock Lee combined, and was twenty times stronger than Tsunade. Also, he had developed all the kekkei genkai of the world, and had a combination of the fully matured Sharingan, Byakugan and Rinnegan doujutsu because the author was too lazy to create his own.

"Alright Jiraiya, let's go destroy Akatsuki." There was no response. Jiraiya had been obliterated by Naruto's sheer overpoweredness.

"Oh Well." Naruto shrugged.

Naruto proceeded to go to the hidden Akatsuki base, which he knew the location of because he was now smarter than Shikamaru due to his training.

Before he got there though, he was intercepted by Itachi and Kisame, who he could now beat with his pinky finger with his eyes closed.

"Itachi, stand aside, I am much stronger than you now. I am going to destroy Akatsuki."

"No! Naruto, I knew your parents! I really didn't commit the Uchiha massacre and kill my entire clan. I was manipulated and framed by (insert Danzou, Orochimaru or Madara here). I was Crow, the ANBU that always watched over you."

"Really? Is it you, Nee-san? I remember you, even though I was two at the time because my superior recall skills are so amazing they extend to the past. I believe that you still care for me, even though the past five times I have encountered you, you have tried to capture me with the sole purpose of brutally ripping Kyuubi out of me which would result in my death."

"Oh Naruto…" Itachi sighed. "I am so sorry."

"It's alright! I forgive you."

Itachi continued, "You see, actually, Kisame is innocent too, just because he is my partner and it would ruin the plot if he weren't. He was manipulated by (insert Danzou, Orochimaru or Madara here) to kill the Daiymo, and actually isn't one of the most loyal followers of Akatsuki."

They walked to the hidden base.

All of Akatsuki walks out (except for Kisame and Itachi, because they are innocent) and the leader exclaims his fortune at having a Naruto delivered to his doorstep.

Orochimaru waits on the sidelines to strike and destroy the weakened remainders of each side after the epic battle. But it is all for naught. Naruto, with his supreme power of god, uses his amazing killer intent that is so powerful that it explodes everybody's hearts in a 20 mile radius. (Except for Itachi and Kisame of course, because they are innocent).

Naruto finally destroyed the Akatsuki, but in the process, unfortunately removed his only purpose in life other than making babies with Sakura (insert angst scene here).

Now, he heads back to Konoha, where he and Itachi are universally recognized as heroes, despite the former being ostracized and loathed by the citizens of Konoha for his entire existence, and the latter being best known for killing his entire family. After becoming Hokage (because of his supreme awesomeness) he signed a treaty with all of the other hidden villages, that gladly accepted him as their leader, making him the supreme leader of the world, even though Iwa knew that he was the son of the Yellow Flash. Naruto became the first Ho-Mizu-Kaze-Tsuchi-Raikage and settled down with a harem of girls, creating the new, most powerful clan in existence. Everybody lives happily ever after under an eternal dictator that can destroy countries with a glance.

_The End._

**What Would Have Happened:**

One day, Naruto was training really hard while Jiraiya was peeping at the hot springs. He was trying to create a blade out of wind chakra in vain. But he knew he could do it…even if he was currently failing miserably. On a side note, Hinata was still stalking him, even though he was hundreds of miles away from Konoha. He decided to ask Jiraiya for help.

"Ero-Sennin, teach me something!" he screeched.

"OK Naruto, I'll teach you the secret to the Kage Bunshin technique alright" Jiraiya, said spreading his arms out in a grandiose way. "You keep all your memories from your dispelled shadow clones!"

"Wow Ero-Sennin! You are so cool, even though you abandoned me at birth to live a miserable existence in Konoha, instead writing porn and peeping on naked women! You even pushed me off a cliff! Ero-Sennin, you are the best!"

Naruto proceeded to make (insert number greater than 10,000) shadow clones, delegating them tasks to do to become the most powerful Shinobi in the world.

_Terrible Author Non-Secret Writing Technique: 3 Days of Timeskip! _

Naruto dispelled all the clones.

"Ugh…Ahh…..AHHHHHHHH" Naruto screamed.

His brain then proceeded to explode into a gory mess, grey matter staining the training field on which he was practicing in.

_Terrible Author Non-Secret Writing Technique: 1 Days of Timeskip!_

Jiraiya couldn't help but feel sorry for the brat as he viewed the rapidly decomposing remains of his body. He didn't _really _mean to forget to tell him about the brain exploding part – Oh well; at least Akatsuki would never be able to extract the Kyuubi now. He turned back to his notebook. Now, where was he … Nade crouched sexily over Raiya as she reached down and grabbed his growing manhood…

_The End._


	3. Verbal Tics and Fox Interactions

AN: Reviews are heaven!

**CHAPTER 3 – VERBAL TICS AND FOX INTERACTIONS**

This chapter is dedicated to those who think that Naruto says "dattebayo" or " 'ttebayo" every other word and to those who think that the Kyuubi is actually his mom/girlfriend that calls him "Kit" at the beginning of every single sentence. Naruto only says "'ttebayo" when he is excited or flustered, and the Kyuubi does not call him "Kit". Both are equally annoying and make me want to strangle something cute and fuzzy. This is also dedicated to those who believe in fem kyuubi x Naruto pairings and those who seem to forget what a tailed beast is.

On a side note I would like to clarify to the misinformed souls out there the difference between the _Shunshin_ and the _Hiraishin_. The former (body flicker) is a _speed_ technique that allows users to go at speeds almost untraceable to the human eye at short distances, and is utilized by much of the Konoha shinobi force. The latter (flying thunder god) is a _space-time teleportation_ technique that allows its users to instantaneously teleport to another _Hiraishin_ seal tag, and was most famously utilized by the Yondaime Hokage. _Shunshin– Hiraishin_ – DIFFERENCE! It pisses me off to no end to see people mistake the technique that single-handedly brought Iwa to its knees with a run-of-the-mill D-rank technique.

Anyways, moving on.

**What Authors Write: **

It had only been a few short months since Jiraiya and Naruto had left for their training trip, but Naruto was quickly getting bored. Honestly, it seemed like all Ero-Sennin could do was peep on women while writing porn. Naruto was getting frustrated with the miniscule amount of progress he had made with controlling to Kyuubi's chakra, but Ero-Sennin constantly reassured him that he would be much stronger after another three years.

_I'll get stronger 'ttebayo! Then, I'll become Hokage 'ttebayo! I say 'ttebayo even when I am thinking to myself, 'ttebayo! _

Naruto currently sat in front of the campfire as he waited for Ero-Sennin to finish his essential "research" - in other words, to peek on women. He felt himself drifting off, soothed by the sounds of the Fire Country forests and the campfire. When he woke up, he found himself in his mindscape sewer, standing in front of two large golden gates. Behind the gates, stood the Kyuubi.

"**SO, PATHETIC MEATBAG, I SEE THAT YOU HAVE COME TO VISIT ME AGAIN. ONCE I ESCAPE FROM THIS PATHETIC SEAL, I WILL DESTROY KONOHA AND RIP APART EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR, INCLUDING THAT PINK HAIRED BAG OF FLESH. I PRESUME THAT YOU HAVE COME HERE TO TAKE MORE OF MY UNLIMITED POWER?"**

"Actually, I wanted to keep you company, 'ttebayo.", Naruto said somberly, using the bubbly exclamatory phrase as a way to express his grave mood. (Sarcasm, folks)

"**REALLY?"**

"Yeah, 'ttebayo. You've always been there with me, from when I was being rejected at the playground, because of Kyuubi, from when show owners charged me exorbitant prices for cheap goods because of Kyuubi, when I was being beat up by drunken mobs because of Kyuubi…hmm…'ttebayo. The important thing is that you were there when I needed it the most, even though you practically ruined my life 'ttebayo! I felt that I should keep you company to return the favor, 'ttebayo."

"**OH MY GOSH, YOU REALLY CARE FOR ME?" **The Kyuubi asked, a beach-ball sized tear rolling down its cheek.

"Definitely, even though you were the reason the village hated me, 'ttebayo."

And thus, Naruto won over a 1000 year old demon's affection in less than thirty seconds. In doing so, however, the evil genjutsu cast by (Madara, Danzou, Orochimaru) was dispelled, and Kyuubi returned back to its normal form, a buxom, voluptuous teen that was a living sex goddess (include other fem-Kyuubi descriptions, including cup size, clothing, tails, fox ears, etc.) and also speaks normally. The author does this because it is too hard to write in bold and in all caps for an extended period of time.

"Kit, I actually was being manipulated by (insert Madara, Danzou, Orochimaru here) the entire time, and I actually love you very much. Kit, you can call me kaa-san, because I feel motherly affection towards you, even though I called you a pathetic meatbag just moments ago."

"Oh, kaa-san, I love you so much, 'ttebayo." Naruto sobbed.

"Kit, I actually am a benevolent nature spirit. You see, Kit, even though I leak toxic demonic energy that fries off your skin and am a concentrated ball of malevolent chakra that enjoys eating babies, I really do care for you. Oh yeah, and my real name is Kurama."

"Kaa-san…'ttebayo…" Naruto blubbered uncontrollably, tears running down his cheeks, overcome by the sheer love of the nine-tails.

"In addition, I will let you fuse with me, bringing us even closer. This will give you fox ears and a tail and will make you super overpowered and a blonde Adonis (insert generic Hanyou!Naruto descriptions here)."

So they fused together, making Naruto more intelligent than Shikamaru, stronger than all the ninja in the world combined and sexier than all males in the world…combined, never mind the fact that Naruto is barely thirteen. With the fusing ritual over, Naruto put his clothes back on, inadvertently showing his rippling muscles and perfectly built body.

"Mmm…kit. Rock that hot body."

"Kaa-san, are you…moaning, 'ttebayo? And…did you just say 'Rock that hot body' to me, 'ttebayo?" Naruto asked haltingly, both aroused and disgusted by the implications.

"No, no, no. Kit, I am your kaa-san. I was just complementing your looks."

"Hehe. Okay then, well I guess…"

Several moments pass in silence, as Naruto continues to clothe himself.

"GODAMNIT KIT I CAN'T STAND THIS SEXUAL TENSION ANYMORE!"

Kyuubi jumped on to the thirteen year old boy and began to unbutton his clothing while kissing him.

"Kaa-san…isn't this" *mmph* "wrong? Dattebayo."

"Kit, if calling me kaa-san turns you on, so be it" Kyuubi said passionately. "I'm sort of into the incest thing myself."

"Oh well, 'ttebayo. Carpe Diem, right?"

They proceed to have wild coitus together, even though Naruto is an underdeveloped thirteen year old and Kurama is a human shaped ball of toxic ball of chakra that melts skin off.

Following this, Naruto obliterates Akatsuki with his newfound fox powers that he learned to utilize overnight. After becoming Hokage (because of his supreme bishonen-ness) he signed a treaty with all of the other hidden villages which made him the supreme leader of the world and the first Ho-Mizu-Kaze-Tsuchi-Raikage. In addition, he formed a huge harem with girls who wanted to be with him because of his bishonen-ness. All these girls off course also got the customary fox ears/tail/enhanced senses, etc. Everybody lived happily ever after. Except for the characters the author dislikes and wants to bash. They end up dying/marrying cows/exploding/etc.

_The End._

**What Would Have Happened:**

It had only been a few short months since Jiraiya and Naruto had left for their training trip, but Naruto was quickly getting bored. Honestly, it seemed like all Ero-Sennin could do was peep on women while writing porn. Naruto was getting frustrated with the miniscule amount of progress he had made with controlling to Kyuubi's chakra, but Ero-Sennin constantly reassured him that he would be much stronger after another three years.

_I'll get stronger 'ttebayo! Then, I'll become Hokage 'ttebayo! I say 'ttebayo even when I am thinking to myself, 'ttebayo! _

Naruto currently sat in front of the campfire as he waited for Ero-Sennin to finish his essential "research" - in other words, to peek on women. He felt himself drifting off, soothed by the sounds of the Fire Country forests and the campfire. When he woke up, he found himself in his mindscape sewer, standing in front of two large golden gates. Behind the gates, stood the Kyuubi.

"**SO, PATHETIC MEATBAG, I SEE THAT YOU HAVE COME TO VISIT ME AGAIN. ONCE I ESCAPE FROM THIS PATHETIC SEAL, I WILL DESTROY KONOHA AND RIP APART EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR, INCLUDING THAT PINK HAIRED BAG OF FLESH. I PRESUME THAT YOU HAVE COME HERE TO TAKE MORE OF MY UNLIMITED POWER?"**

"Actually, I wanted to keep you company, 'ttebayo."

"**WELL, MY ANSWER IS NO. I'M NOT GIVING YOU POWER. YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND DIE IN A HOLE. WAIT …. WHAT THE HELL? YOU WANT TO KEEP ME COMPANY?"**

"Yeah, 'ttebayo. Let's do what Kakashi-sensei did. Tell me your name, hobbies, likes and dislikes and your dream, 'ttebayo."

"**WHATEVER. MOST PEOPLE CALL ME THE KYUUBI NO KITSUNE. MY HOBBY IS DESTROYING VILLAGES. I LIKE EATING BABIES. I DISLIKE THAT ACCURSED YONDAIME WHO SEALED ME INTO YOU. MY DREAM IS TO DESTROY KONOHA AND TO EAT THE YONDAIME AFTER RIPPING MY WAY OUT OF THIS PATHETIC SEAL. I ALSO WANT YOU TO WATCH WHILE I KILL EVERYBODY YOU LOVE."**

"Well…umm…that's nice…'ttebayo… Well, my name is Uzumaki Naruto, 'ttebayo. My hobbies are eating ramen and pranks, 'ttebayo." By this point, Naruto was jumping up and down. "I like ramen! Dattebayo! I dislike the 3 minutes it takes ramen to cook! Dattebayo! My dream is to become Hokage! Datteb…"

"**SHUT THE FUCK UP! SERIOUSLY. IF I HEAR ANOTHER WORD FROM YOU, I WILL SHOVE A BIJUDAMA OF CORROSIVE CHAKRA UP YOUR ASS SO HARD, YOU WILL TASTE IT. YOU ARE BY FAR THE MOST ANNOYING, MIGRAINE INDUCING CREATURE I HAVE EVER SPOKEN TO, EVEN COUNTING SHUKAKU. ****AND STOP SAYING DATTEBAYO!****"**

"Well…ehh…" Naruto squeaked.

"**SILENCE. I HAVE DEALT WITH SHITSTAINS LIKE YOU FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE! I'M TIRED OF THIS CRAP! WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS SEAL, I WILL TAKE PARTICULAR PLEASURE IN DESTROYING KONOHA! FIRST, I WILL DESTROY…" **The Kyuubi continued his rant.

_10 minutes later._

By this point in time, all Naruto could do was whimper pathetically while laying curled up in a fetal position. He had long since emptied his bowel and his bladder in his orange jumpsuit, and now was lying in a pile of his body waste.

"… **AND FINALLY, I WILL RIP OUT HIS ENTRAILS. HAPPY NOW? GO! I'M TIRED OF DEALING WITH YOU. ****AND DON'T RETURN!****"**

Naruto never returned. He was too afraid to. 

_The End._

OMAKE: Learning the Shunshin

Naruto was had just finished learning the Shunshin, so he went to the hot springs to tell Jiraiya.

"Yatta! Ero-Sennin, I have finally learned the Shunshin! Now, I can easily destroy Akatsuki with this powerful teleportation jutsu that my father used!"

"BAKA! The Shunshin is a D-rank technique that everyone knows how to do! Hiraishin is the teleportation technique"

"Oh."

However, in the commotion, the ladies at the hot spring noticed both the master and the student and proceeded to beat both Jiraiya and Naruto within an inch of their lives.

_The End._


	4. Adopted by Akatsuki I - How it Began

AN: Please review. And favorite. And follow. And stop reading fanfiction. Nah – Just kidding.

**CHAPTER 4: ADOPTED BY AKATSUKI 1 **

This is for those who believe that Akatsuki is actually a benevolent organization that wants to help Naruto by making him ridiculously overpowered. Apparently, Naruto is being beat up, Itachi finds him, whisks him the Akatsuki, where he gets some kind of training that makes him the most powerful being ever. Naruto meets Kakashi and his team when they go to Wave, and promptly beats the shit out of them for being with Konoha, if the author so desires. Later, Naruto participates in the Chuunin exams because he needs to show everyone how overpowered he is and falls in love with Ino or Hinata, or both, if the author decides on a harem, because yes, a _mature_ Naruto from RAIN that has never met either of them would fall in love with a pathetic Konoha kunochis. Yes, it is completely ridiculous.

**What Authors Write:**

Itachi sighed as he munched on the last stick of pocky in the box. He had just brutally slaughtered his entire family while forever traumatizing his little brother. His new life as an S-ranked criminal would begin today.

Meanwhile, six year old Naruto cheerfully ran across the street even though it was past midnight. He knew that everybody hated him, but he still remained upbeat and cheerful that they would change one day. In the midst of his pondering, he bumped into group of drunk men – because the people that beat up Naruto must be drunk - who instantly appeared out of nowhere.

"I'm sorry that I ran into you. All you all right?" Naruto asked innocently.

"No you demon!"

"You killed my family."

"You destroyed my house, demon brat."

"Insert generic demon comment here."

They promptly started to beat him. Poor, poor Naruto, and the cruelty of the world. From around the entire village, drunk men mysteriously teleport to Naruto's location and start beating the living snot out of him, never mind the fact that they would attract the attention of the angry Hokage that loved Naruto like a grandson.

Itachi, with his amazing powers that author is too lazy to describe, heard the brutal beating from three miles away, immediately moving to assist Naruto even though he had never met him before, using the _Shunshin _(not the _Hiraishin_, you misguided fools) to travel there almost instantaneously.

Turning on his Mangekyo Sharingan, never minding the fact that it would cause blood to leak from his eyes and degrade his eyesight, he used _Amaterasu, _the most powerful fire technique in the shinobi world on drunken civilians (because that's not overkill at all)

"Hey Naruto, nobody likes you here. Let's go and join a criminal organization that wants to build a massive superweapon!" he exclaimed, barely paying attention to the charred bodies of the civilians he had just burned alive.

"Ok. No one in Konoha likes me anyways. Except for Old Man Teuchi, Ayame-neechan, Old Man Hokage…Oh well, I suppose nobody likes me. I'll gladly go with you!"

Although Old Man Hokage always warned him not to go with strangers, and common sense told him that a guy covered in blood who had probably just murdered his family was untrustworthy, he felt that he could trust Itachi completely, so he agreed to abandon the place he called home and his dream to one day become Hokage.

_Terrible Author Non-Secret Writing Technique: 3 Hours of Timeskip!- _

Naruto and Itachi sat around a campfire in Fire Country forest, because apparently, S-Class missing-nin have time to sit around a highly visible fire with hunter-nin and ANBU hot on their tails.

"Hey…ahh…" Naruto sheepishly scratched his head. "What's your name again?"

"Itachi, but you can call me aniki, or Itachi-sensei if we are training. I feel brotherly love towards you already."

"Aniki, didn't you forever traumatize the last person that you felt brotherly love towards after brutally murdering your family?"

"Well…umm…"

"Well, what do we do now?" Naruto interrupted, not really wanting to hear the answer to his question.

"Well, I, along with the rest of the Akatsuki will train you."

"I'll become super strong, right?"

"Yes. Now, let me tell you some stuff that you must know before we begin training. You have the Kyuubi sealed inside of you. I know this, because I originally intended to brutally rip it out of your body, resulting in your death. Also, your father is Minato Namikaze, the 4th Hokage. Don't ask me how I know this SS-class secret, I just do."

"Old Man Hokage knew who my father was and didn't tell me? He left me in the streets to die while my father was the Fourth? HE BETRAYED ME! (insert extreme Sarutobi bashing or over-the-top angst passage here). Itachi, I will train to become strong and protect the people that I care about."

"Good, Naruto. While we talk about training, why don't you strap on these 200 pound weights onto your legs? Even though you are a civilian with no prior ninja training, I know you can do this because you have the Kyuubi."

Naruto and Itachi walk off into the distance after extinguishing the fire (or in Naruto's case, lumber into the distance).

_Terrible Author Non-Secret Writing Technique: 5 Days of Timeskip!- _

"Naruto, by now, you have chuunin level speed due to your weights. Now, I'm going to teach you a very simple jutsu."

"Really? Is it a powerful jutsu?"

"Yes, it is known as the _Rasengan_, the Fourth Hokage's signature move that I am not supposed to know how to do."

"Ok, how do I do it?"

"It's very simple. You take your chakra and manipulate it using shape transformation, without imbuing it with nature transformation. Later, you compress it into a tight shape and form multiple rotations with your chakra…

_Five Minutes Later-_

…And that's how the _Rasengan_ is done. Pretty simple, huh?" Itachi concluded.

"Itachi-sensei, I have a question before I do this training."

"Ok, spit it out."

"What's chakra again?"

Itachi facepalmed so hard that a sizable dent was left in his forehead.

"Uhh…Itachi-sensei? You alright?"

_Terrible Author Non-Secret Writing Technique: 5 Days of Timeskip!-_

Itachi and Naruto approached the tower where Pein, the leader of Akatsuki resided. By now, Naruto had mastered twenty jutsus and had jonin level speed, even though only ten days had passed. As they entered the tallest tower in Ame, Naruto gazed upon the six paths of Pein as well as the rest of the Akatsuki members.

"Naruto, you are powerful for your age, but you need to become even more powerful, because we need you to protect us."

"Seriously, why the hell do you even need me to protect you? You're all S-class shinobi."

"Shut up. It wouldn't make a good story if I did all the work. Go train now, Kisame will begin your sword training."

And so, Naruto trained for another seven years, until he was the most powerful shinobi in the world. He now had compiled more jutsus than the Sandaime Hokage and the Copy-nin combined, had a cooler sword (insert description here) than Kisame, and was stronger and faster than Gai and Lee opening all eight gates combined. He also found out that Akatsuki was a benevolent organization and that everyone in it had been manipulated by Orochimaru all along to commit crimes, even though Kakazu committed the crimes that made him a missing-nin before Orochimaru was even born. This is because the author was too lazy to have more than one primary antagonist.

"Naruto, I believe it is time for you to enter into the Chuunin Exams in Konoha."

"Why do I even need to go to an exam where I will be pitted against genin when I am the most powerful shinobi in the world?"

"Well, ahh…about that, you see, since I am a god, I was able to figure out that your destiny is to fall in love with Hinata and Ino. The only way to meet them is at the exams. In other words, this is the best plot the author could come up with in which Naruto gets a harem. "

"Who is this Hinata? Who is this Ino?" Naruto asked, furious.

"Here, take a look at their profiles." Pein handed Naruto manila folders filled with Hinata and Ino's personal information.

"So apparently, Hinata is a girl so shy that she can't even stammer out a sentence. She is a pathological stalker who follows people to enhance her self-esteem and faints at the first sign of trouble. And Ino is a pathetic fangirl who only knows how to perform a grand total of four jutsu after six years of private instruction? And I have to fall in love with them?"

"Pretty much."

"My life sucks."

"Yes, yes it does."

_Terrible Author Non-Secret Writing Technique: 5 Days of Timeskip!-_

It was now time to go to the Chuunin exams. Naruto strapped on his (describe clothing/weapons that would sound good but would never work in the ninja world here) and left with his new teammates (insert OCs here) and with Itachi as their jonin-sensei, because obviously an S-class criminal and jinchuriki could go back to their home village without any fear of being noticed. Naruto uses his special teleportation technique to transport everyone to Konoha because the author is too lazy to describe their journey to Konoha. Once they get to Konoha, Naruto immediately heads to Ichiraku Ramen because he still loves ramen and remembers the kindness the owners gave him. For some reason, the entire Rookie 9, their senseis and the Hokage are there that day.

"A miso and a pork ramen please." Naruto requested.

Everyone was a bit suspicious of the newcomer.

"Who are you?" asked Teuchi. "You look familiar."

"My name is Oturan Ikamuzu. I'm here for the Chuunin selection exams." Naruto said as he devoured his ramen.

"You kinda remind me of this one kid named Uzumaki Naruto. He had blonde hair and blue eyes, like you do, the same facial structure, the same whisker marks, and your name is his name spelled backwards…wait a second…Naah, you can't be him. Enjoy your ramen!"

Meanwhile, Itachi and Sasuke were having a similar conversation.

"You know, you kind of remind me of my brother."

"Sasuke, your hate is not strong enough." With that, Itachi walked away.

Sasuke just stood there. "What the hell?"

And so, the ramen chef was unable to recognize the boy who came to his stand _every day for four years _and Sasuke was unable to recognize the brother he swore eternal vengeance on. Truly, Konoha's resident ninjas are quite formidable – unable to detect two of the most recognizable figures in Konoha's recent history.

_Next Chapter: The Chuunin Exams and Naruto Falling in Love with Ino and Hinata_

**What Would Have Happened**

That night, Naruto went to bed exhausted after his "training" with Kisame, tired but looking forward to the next day's training. In reality, all Kisame was doing was sapping his chakra in preparation for the ritual to seal the Kyuubi into the statue.

Naruto woke up, shrouded and darkness and immobilized. He tried to call out and escape his bonds, but soon realized the futility of the situation. He looked up and saw Itachi looming above him.

"Naruto, I've been lying to you all along. Did you honestly trust me when I confessed to you that I brutally murdered my family?" Itachi said, with absolutely no regret at all.

"Err…yeah." Naruto admitted sheepishly. "But you said that I was as powerful as elite jonin! How am I not able to escape from these weak bonds?"

"Did you seriously think that you could become elite jonin-level in ten days?" Itachi thundered, not sure whether to be amused or incredulous at the sheer stupidity of the young demon container.

"Kinda?" Naruto managed to squeak out.

"BAKA!"

With that, the members of Akatsuki all crowded around Naruto's immobile form and began to call forth the demonic energy and pull the Kyuubi into the Gedo Mazo. Less than three days later, Naruto was dead, with the Kyuubi ripped out of him after painstaking torture that lasted 72 hours. Lesson learned: don't go with strangers – especially if they are covered in blood and confess to have brutally murdered their family.

_The End._

**OMAKE: HOW NOT TO WRITE FANFICTION – NARUTO'S TRIP TO WAVE**

naruto used his awesome teleportation powers that were given to him because of his new _completely unique_ bloodline called the sharikugan to get to wave a country that he went to meet his friend haku once again he teleported to the bridge right as the battle was winding down "hi haku hows it going" asked naruto haku didnt respond he was too busy trying not to die from a hand that was just shoved into his chest haku died "wtf man you killed haku" naruto said ticked off that haku died he pointed his finger at kakashi kakashis brain exploded in a mass of gory grey goodness "naruto is it you" kakashi managed to gasp out in his dying breaths despite the fact his brain had just exploded gato kicked hakus body and called him trash "wtf man you kicked haku" naruto said ticked off he pointed his finger at gato gatos brain exploded "wtf man you stole my kill" zabuza said "deal with it" naruto said with that zabuzas brain proceeded to explode due to the awesome power of the sharikugan team seven sat there stunned so stunned that their brains exploded.

_The End._


	5. Adopted by Akatsuki II - Chunin Exams

AN: Every time you don't review and you have the opportunity to, a kitten dies. So review, unless you want to be a kitten murderer.

**CHAPTER 5: ADOPTED BY AKATSUKI II – Chunin Exams**

This is a continuation of last chapter. If you haven't figured this out by now, I truly pity you.

Just a quick note here, but Yaoi is not spelled Yoai. Seriously. If you're going to show your dislike to it, at least spell it correctly. Anyways, on to the story.

**What Authors Write, Continued **

Naruto walked confidently into the Chunin exam room. Abandoning his team for no reason other than the fact that the author is too lazy to write about Naruto interacting with OCs, he heads over to where the Konoha Twelve are congregated, because he apparently has no need to hide his identity. Currently, Kabuto was showing everyone his nin-info cards.

"Here, I have information on all of the candidates of the Chunin exams, their skills, power levels, missions completed, everything." Kabuto said smugly.

"H-how did you c-c-compile all this i-information?" a curious Hinata asked.

"Well, I've taken these exams seven times, and from those times, have compiled information on all the participants form the different hidden villages."

At this moment, Naruto strolled up.

"Alright then. Give me information on Hyuga Hinata and Yamanaka Ino."

"Well it says here…" Kabuto said, flipping through his cards. "that Hyuga Hinata is a pathetic Kunoichi." He held up her card. "Failure in the gentle fist, extremely low self-esteem, suffers from inferiority complex. Regularly beaten by 8 year old sister. 15 D-ranks, one C-rank. Yamanaka Ino is a fangirl obsessed with Uchiha Sasuke, no taijutsu or ninjutsu skills except for the Academy Three and one clan teqnique. 16 D-ranks, one C-rank."

Naruto groaned. He was officially screwed.

"Wait a second…their stats are increasing due to their proximity to Naruto! Now Hinata is an extremely powerful gentle fist practitioner with (insert physical features here describing her as a voluptuous teenagers) and Ino is the head of the Yamanaka clan with (insert physical features here describing her as a blonde Venus). They are now SS-ranked shinobi that are extremely dangerous."

Sasuke asked Kabuto. "Who is that Ame kid?"

"Naruto Uzumaki. He is the most powerful ninja in the elemental nations. Mastered Sage Mode, Rinnegan, Jiongu, all Kekkei Genkai and Jutsu in the world. S(add another two to ten S's if the author desires) Class ninja. Defeated Madara, Pein, Hanzo, all Kages past and present, all 9 Bjuu, the Juubi and the Sage of Six Paths _at the same time. _Missions completed. 5 D-ranks, 6 C-ranks, 20 B-ranks, 1000 A-ranks, Ridiculously High Number S-Ranks."

Sasuke and Gaara, hearing this both proclaimed their desire to beat him.

"Uzumaki. You will be the stepping stone for me to defeat Itachi." Sasuke furiously proclaimed.

"Umm…you do realize that I can beat Itachi with my eyes closed and with my hands tied behind my back, right?" Naruto proceeded to reveal the details of the Uchiha massacre, because the author likes Itachi and can't stand to have anyone hate him.

A shocked silence ensues as everyone tries to wrap their minds around one of the most hated figures of Konoha being innocent.

A few seconds later, after the shocked silence following Naruto's proclamation, Gaara interrupted it with a crazed laugh. "Mother will feast on your blood! My existence will be verified from your death!" Gaara said, laughing insanely.

"Shukaku isn't your mother." Naruto said bluntly.

"Oh."

Another shocked silence ensued.

Suddenly, Ibiki jumped in to begin the exam. "Break it up, break it up. The exams are about to begin."

Naruto and the Leaf Genin sat down in their seats and took the test after Ibiki had finished telling the instructions for the test. It suffices to say that Naruto had no need to cheat, and finished his test in less than ten seconds. The author does not go into detail about the first stage because writing for an extended period of time about a written test is boring and a strain on the fingers.

Now, it was time for the tenth question. Ibiki looked at everybody expectantly.

"Now, you have a choice to take the final question or not."

"Are you kidding me? Of course we'll take it!" Temari shouted.

"But there's a catch. If you take it and get it wrong, you will banned from becoming a Chunin for your entire lifetime!"

The entire class shivered. With that, a random genin raised his hands. "I give up."

"Numbers 4, 7, 23, fail!"

"I give up too."

"Numbers 5, 8, 23, fail!"

"I give up!"

"I give up!"

Soon, most of the classroom's occupants had given up to preserve their chances at becoming Chunin. Only a select few (including the Rookie 9 because the author is too lazy to write OCs) remained following the brutal thinning of the ranks.

"Are you all ready for the question?"

Everyone nodded with trepidation and anticipation.

"You all…PASS!"

Naruto just nodded. He had known it all along, using a secret kinjutsu (insert terrible name here) to read Ibiki's mind without him noticing.

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted disbelievingly.

At that moment, Anko came crashing in through the window, with a banner announcing her as the Second Exam proctor. Everyone looked surprised at her entry. Most looked frightened, Kiba licked his lips, Sasuke grunted, and Ibiki facepalmed.

"Anko, you're early. Again."

"Well eh..hehe" Anko scratched her neck sheepishly. "Anyways, get ready for the second stage of the exams at Training Ground 44, also known as the Forest of Death! You all don't look like much. Ibiki, why did you pass so many?"

"We have a particularly talented group this year."

"We'll see about that." Anko said rather maniacally.

The entire class shivered again.

=^o^=

Everyone lined up in front of their respective entrances at Training Ground 44, and received either a Heaven or Earth scroll. Following the customary intimidation and blood-licking by Anko, everybody raced off into the forest. Naruto immediately abandons his badly named OC teammates and finds Ino and Hinata. He magically knows where they are due to the power of love. For some reason, Ino and Hinata's teammates don't care if they leave and just let them go with Naruto. The author inserts a horribly written fight scene which consists of Naruto utterly destroying his opponents and taking their scrolls. They are all so amazed that Ino loses her crush on Sasuke and Hinata stops stuttering.

"Oh, thank you Naruto-kun for saving me, I love you so much, despite the fact that I have had a crush on Sasuke since I was six." Ino said.

"N-n-naruto-kun…I have always admired you and watched you. I love you." Hinata managed to stutter out.

"Hinata, you do realize that I'm an Ame shinobi right?" Naruto looked at her oddly. "And stalking me is kind of creepy."

_Creepy people are not cool. The opposite of cool is hot. Creepy people are hot. Naruto-kun thinks I'm hot!_

Hinata promptly fainted, with a thin trickle of blood running down her nose.

"Err…Hinata? You there? Oh well." Naruto picked Hinata up.

The group walks, because apparently they have no need to get to the tower at all to pass the exams.

(insert badly written lemon here)

Somehow, completely by chance because the author is too lazy to write his or her own unique fight scene, the three find Orochimaru and Team Seven trying – and failing – to hold him off. But never fear! Naruto comes to the rescue and defeats Orochimaru handily in a badly written fight scene that might look like the one below.

"Kukuku. I will have the Sharingan. I will learn all of the jutsus and become the most powerful shinobi alive. The author cannot use exclamation points in dialogue." Orochimaru reached out to give Sasuke his version of a hickey, the Cursed Seal of Heaven.

"Actually, it's already been done. I know all the jutsus in the world and then some, Orochimaru."

"What? Who are you?"

"I'm disappointed that you don't recognize me. After all, we lived in _the same friggin' base _for a year."

"It's Uzumaki Naruto, the strongest shinobi in the world! I must run." Orochimaru shouted.

"Too late." As he said this, Naruto threw a brace of shiruken. "_Shiruken Kage Bunshin Jutsu!"_ One shiruken became many.

Using his awesome puppet skills that exceeded Sasori, Naruto controlled all 957 wind-enhanced shiruken in the air and directed them at Orochimaru. Somehow, Orochimaru evaded them all becuase it wouldn't make for a good fight scene if he died too early.

Orochimaru laughed. "Now, you'll see my powerful original technique. _Katon: Gay Name no Jutsu!" _Predictably, it had no effect on Naruto because the author likes Naruto and doesn't want him to get hurt.

Orochimaru looked around. "Where did he go?"

"Right here!"

Naruto crouched behind him. "Now, you'll get to see my most powerful technique. _Leaf Village Secret Taijutsu Technique: Thousand Years of Death!" _

Orochimaru laughed and everyone sweatdropped. "That was pathetic." Then, he realized that the thing sticking into his ass was neither a finger nor even a kunai: it was a fully formed Tailed Beast Ball.

"Ahhh...crap" Was all Orochimaru managed to get out before the massive explosion leveled the area.

Orochimaru ceased to exist. Team Seven ceased to exist. Danzo ceased to exist because the author hates him. Everybody in the Forest of Death other than Hinata, Ino and Naruto ceased to exist. Most of the Forest of Death ceased to exist. However, Hinata and Ino miraculously survived because without them, Naruto wouldn't get his harem. Apparently, none of the exam proctors noticed the explosion, the ground shaking or the giant mushroom cloud so the exam went on without a hitch.

=^o^=

Naruto, along with Ino and Hinata teleported to the tower in the Forest of Death. When they were there, they took out their scrolls and opened them, summoning a Chunin to their side to announce their passage to the next exam.

"C-c-congratulations, y-y-ou are the f-f-first team to arrive!" The Chunin seemed to "forget" that Naruto, Ino and Hinata were not on an actual team. Of course, this could also be due to Naruto's massive emission of killing intent that caused the poor Chunin to nearly wet himself.

"Yeah! Congratulations to us." Naruto cheered. "Sorry about killing all of the participants though." He frowned.

"Well…ehem" The Chunin cleared his throat nervously, noting that this kid had killed over 95 percent of the participating genin. "Since you killed everyone, and because one on one matches are a bitch to write, there will be no preliminaries. Instead, a month from now, there will be individual matches."

"I don't want to go through matches." Naruto said darkly, spiking his killing intent.

"W-w-well actually, y-y-you all are p-p-promoted to Chunin."

Naruto doubled his killing intent.

"…Jonin?" The Chunin asked pleadingly.

Naruto growled and tripled his killing intent.

"…Elite Jonin?" The Chunin by now was sweating bullets.

"…Kage?"

"…God?"

"OK!" Naruto smiled cheerily. Instantly, the dark looming visages that promised the death of the Chunin, and the sun peeked out behind the clouds, illuminating a field of wildflowers. The Chunin almost collapsed in relief. He was just ready to leave when Naruto's vice like grip stopped him.

"I have one more request."

"S-s-sure." The Chunin stuttered nervously, knees knocking together.

"Could you please leave this room and not tell anyone to come here for the next hour or so?"

"OK." With that, the Chunin ran away as fast as his little legs could carry him.

(insert badly written lemon scene here involving peas, ball gags, plenty of leather, and puppets)

And so, with the supreme authority of the exam Chunin, Naruto became god of the Naruto-verse. He lived happily ever after with his harem that he amassed, but he always held Hinata and Ino closest to his heart and with Akatsuki as his enforcers.

_The End. _

**What Really Would Have Happened**

Naruto effortlessly defeated the opponents surrounding Hinata and Ino. He puffed his chest out proudly and congratulated himself on a well-done seduction.

"So…ladies." He slung his arms around their shoulders. "Want to go to Ame with me?"

"What t-t-the f-f-fuck?" Hinata asked indigantly. "Are y-y-you _a-a-abducting _us?"

"You realize that you just knocked out our teammates right?" Ino shouted.

"Well umm…hehe….Yes? I thought they were enemies, ok." Naruto responded sheepishly. He straightened his back. "So, do you agree to go with the sexy, single Naruto-sama to Ame?"

"HELL NO!" They both shouted at the same time.

"Darn."

_The End. _

**OMAKE: WHAT REALLY WOULD HAVE HAPPENED, EXTENDED**

He quickly knocked the Hinata and Ino out. It was a pity they didn't go with him willingly. When he got back to base, he'd have to ask Sasori how to make human puppets.

On a side note, Naruto's bounty rose to 100 million ryou, the total amount of money in the combined vaults of the Hyuuga and Yamanaka.

_The End. _

AN: Next chapter is the banishment fic. You know what I'm talking about.


End file.
